I have been reading a lot of blog entries lately, and I stumble on this article entitled A Work In Progress. It is about the Lucky 4-leaf Clover. The title alone already caught my attention because that is me. I am that clover. I am in a work in progress.
There’s a line there that says:
“The fourth leaf was actually growing out of one of the others and not a separate leaf all on it’s own.”
I realized that, that was me when I was with him. Maybe I was not totally dependent on him, but was not independent. I needed him to be right there beside me. Maybe being with him constantly challenged me to be better but the constant need for validation made me lose focus on other things that matter. Be a better me for myself, for him, for the people around us. In a way, I didn’t care what I’d change into,,, as long as I was changing to something that he would continually love. – Someone that his people would see worth it. I was wrong. I was foolish for thinking that we could grow individually while we are together (I still believe that). Stupid for continually telling everyone that I won’t change for anybody when I’ve already lost Me a long time ago. I guess that’s the reason this all happened. I was no longer the same person. I need to find me. Find who I’m supposed to be- without him. But, all of me was in that relationship. I did everything I thought I needed to. Gave everything that I can, everything that I have. I’m not the perfect girlfriend. I know I’ll never be… but I tried. God knows, I really did try.
“The clover may not have been perfect .. but it was aiming to be a four leaf clover and it was. It may not have been the “ideal” 4 leaf clover but still it was a four leaf clover. It may not have grown just like all the other four leaf clovers .. but still it was a four leaf cover. It’s fourth leaf may not have been fully developed but still it was a four leaf clover. I’m sure you all see where I am going from here .”
In all honesty, I’m still lost. I used to wake up feeling happy and in good mood almost everyday for the past 4 years… then I get my phone to greet you Good morning. A lot of over flowing happiness and love. But these past few days, I’ll suddenly sit right up from bed, trying to remember if I had a nightmare. I didn’t. It was real life that’s making my dreams and waking days miserable. Then after a few minutes of these realization, I ask myself “What now?” “What are you gonna do now?” What are you supposed to do now?” Honestly, I DON’T KNOW…YET! I’m still broken and all over the place. I need to catch a break and just stop thinking before I can start moving.
But I am hopeful. Can you give me props for that? I know that I am so much stronger than this. I know that all of these will be just one of those things that I’ll laugh at in the future. I’ll come out stronger and wiser. And… and.. I bet I’ll be so much happier. 
*fingers-crossed* But what I’m asking from all of you, is that you give me enough time to wallow in pain. I need to feel that this is all real.
“We should all see ourselves as that tiny little four leaf clover with one of it’s leaves still progressing and growing.. working toward it’s ultimate goal. Itdoesn’t mean we are any less.. simply a work in progress.”
Please read the original entry about the four leaf clover a.k.a. A Work in Progress by Hear The Raven’s Call. I totally recommend it.
Jhex
