The Dog Days are Over!

For those who don’t know the meaning of this song…

“Dog Days” (Latin: diēs caniculārēs) are the hottest, most sultry days of summer. Dog Days can also define a time period or event that is very hot or stagnant, or marked by dull lack of progress. The name comes from the ancient belief that Sirius, also called the Dog Star, in close proximity to the sun was responsible for the hot weather.

It’s about a girl who realizes that her love interest is no good for her, and how she gets out of her “dog days.” And is now making progress! ^_^

Today my life begins

my fragile heart’s been done so wrong 
i wondered if i’d ever heal again 

i will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me 
leave the past behind me, today my life begins 
a whole new world is waiting it’s mine for the takin 
i know i can make it, today my life begins 

1 deKADA ng barKADA

Francisco School’s Batch 2001 High School Reunion.

Our Home Coming!

It’s true, what Mrs. Pacis told us. Highschool is the most fun stage of your life and where you’ll gain most of your dear friends. It was nice to see the same level of craziness  as like mine. I thought I’d be the only kid at heart there. Seemed like nothing has changed. We’re all still as goofy, as loud and as “MAHAROT”  as we did in Highschool. )

Let’s do this again next year… para makasama na lahat!

Reminiscing On Our Day

Heard that you should learn to enjoy everything that happens in your life, no matter what it is. Because it’s much easier when you do.. So I’ve decided to enjoy this day. Our day. A would’ve been special day that actually turned into a day of remembering the good ‘ol times without feeling hurt or guilty. Just Happy memories. Ok, maybe it’s a bitter-sweet experience, but I’m gonna enjoy it. Hope you do too.

Take a glimpse of our past…

I don’t know when it started, but this is how I spent not just my 365 days, but more or less 1,460 days of my waking hours… in-love!

This is how I’ll always remember Hammy! Those quiet moments. Those adventures and Slow dancing to this song.

Thank you for making me feel loved. I am grateful for everything!

I was in-love to a dear friend. A very quiet but dependable friend.  He made my days better. He supported me with everything I do. He was there on my darkest moments. Once upon a time, he was everything to me.

…and I refuse to be strangers again! We’ve got too much to lose.

Be Broken In My Shoes

Endure (참다)

내가 고통을 오전과 일상 죽어 …

너 혼자 여기에 나를 남겨두고 있기 때문에, 분실

난 아직도 내 사랑 당신을 기다리고 있어요.

당신이 찾는 걸 찾았을 때 …

내 사랑이, 내게로 돌아와줘

4 Leaf Clover Paradigm

I have been reading a lot of blog entries lately, and I stumble on this article entitled A Work In Progress. It is about the Lucky 4-leaf Clover. The title alone already caught my attention because that is me. I am that clover. I am in a work in progress.

There’s a line there that says:

“The fourth leaf was actually  growing out of one of the others and not a separate leaf all on it’s own.”

I realized that, that was me when I was with him. Maybe I was not totally dependent on him, but was not independent. I needed him to be right there beside me. Maybe being with him constantly challenged me to be better but the constant need for validation made me lose focus on other things that matter. Be a better me for myself, for him, for the people around us. In a way, I didn’t care what I’d change into,,, as long as I was changing to something that he would continually love. – Someone that his people would see worth it. I was wrong. I was foolish for thinking that we could grow individually while we are together (I still believe that). Stupid for continually telling everyone that I won’t change for anybody when I’ve already lost Me  a long time ago. I guess that’s the reason this all happened. I was no longer the same person. I need to find me. Find who I’m supposed to be- without him. But, all of me was in that relationship. I did everything I thought I needed to. Gave everything that I can, everything that I have. I’m not the perfect girlfriend. I know I’ll never be… but I tried. God knows, I really did try. 

“The clover may not have been perfect .. but it was aiming to be a four leaf clover and it was. It may not have been the “ideal” 4 leaf clover but still it was a four leaf clover. It may not have grown just like all the other four leaf clovers .. but still it was a four leaf cover. It’s fourth leaf may not have been fully developed but still it was a four leaf clover. I’m sure you all see where I am going from here .”

In all honesty, I’m still lost. I used to wake up feeling happy and in good mood almost everyday for the past 4 years… then I get my phone to greet you Good morning. A lot of over flowing happiness and love. But these past few days, I’ll suddenly sit right up from bed, trying to remember if I had a nightmare. I didn’t. It was real life that’s making my dreams and waking days miserable. Then after a few minutes of these realization, I ask myself “What now?” “What are you gonna do now?” What are you supposed to do now?” Honestly, I DON’T KNOW…YET! I’m still broken and all over the place. I need to catch a break and just stop thinking before I can start moving.

But I am hopeful. Can you give me props for that? I know that I am so much stronger than this. I know that all of these will be just one of those things that I’ll laugh at in the future. I’ll come out stronger and wiser.  And… and.. I bet I’ll be so much happier. *fingers-crossed* But what I’m asking from all of you, is that you give me enough time to wallow in pain.  I need to feel that this is all real. 

“We should all see ourselves as that tiny little four leaf clover with one of it’s leaves still progressing and growing.. working toward it’s ultimate goal. Itdoesn’t mean we are any less.. simply a work in progress.”

Please read the original entry about the four leaf clover a.k.a. A Work in Progress by Hear The Raven’s Call. I totally recommend it.

Keep You

Been reading a lot of blog entries these past few days, trying to learn from other people, i guess. It’s still so hard sometimes, but what can I do? I’m still lost without you. Still trying to pull my self above water… and I’m getting pretty tired. I’m losing big time!

Keep You- Sugarland

We said, goodbye, tried a hand at magic
But we couldn’t make us disappear
Not a day goes by I don’t wish I had you
So in a way I’m glad you’re still here
It’s a bittersweet victory
Lovin’ the ghost in front of me

Now I can’t laugh, can’t cry
And I can’t run, can’t hide
What do I gotta do
What do I gotta do to keep you
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me

I wrote a couple of notes one in love, one in anger
They’re lying there dying in the dresser drawer
Lived louder than my voice
Struggled through a stranger
He loved me ’til I loved you even more
It’s a bittersweet victory
Knowin’ someone else wanted me

Now I can’t laugh, can’t cry
And I can’t run, can’t hide
you get used to the pain
And numb to the sting
‘Til you can’t feel anything

You tried to explain, but I couldn’t hear it
As if your words were my tears
Flowin’ freely, warm and quiet
From the edges of my eyes, in my ears
Than all that disappears

Now I can’t laugh, can’t cry
And I can’t run, can’t hide
Now I can’t laugh, can’t cry
And I can’t run, can’t hide

What do I gotta do
What do I gotta do to keep you
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me

Southbound

I caught myself alone for the first time since the break-up. I’m here on a MRT train going southbound. 

Every feelings get magnified- the sadness, the longing. Memories keep flashing in front of me. This is such an unusual feeling, ‘coz for the longest time (more or less 4yrs.),taking the MRT or LRT southbound had always given me an exciting and positive feeling. 90% of the reasons why I go south was to see you. I get all excited whenever I have the chance to go there, ‘coz it would usually mean that in just a few mins, I’ll see you. Konting tiis nalang sa pagtayo or pagsiksik sa train, ‘coz I’m always certain that it’ll all be worth it. All the “Pagod” will be gone once you hug and kiss me.

I am southbound, but this sure feels like I’m northbound. The same feeling I get whenever it’s time for us to part ways. When it’s time for me to go home and live my days alone. Try to survive and live an independent life without you…until it’s time to see you again.

The difference is… starting today, I’d say a different “till next time” and ” I’m gonna miss you.” This time, “Until next time” would take so much longer and will I ever get the same feeling (excitement and love) i used to get saying it?

We are now in Buendia station. That long flashback/emoness on the train just ended. Hopefully, I won’t get sad on the bus all the way to Cavite, ‘coz I’m suddenly super excited to see my bestfriend.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

First of all let me say that “I’m okay.” because I know that most of my friends read my blog, my fb status and tweets and I want to assure them (you all) that I am fine. It’s hard trying to get by everyday, and I’m aware that it’ll be harder in the coming days but I wanna say that I am fighting. I am fighting for me now, and I’m positive that it’ll only get better from here. I’m in a funk right now, probably caused by too much stress, lack of sleep and too much thinking. I am spending time with friends as much as possible, trying to keep myself busy-things I know that are really necessary. I am down and sad right now but that’s really all I know. Honestly, I’m still stuck and hurting, but I know that something has to change. For one,  I need to shake this funk, get myself a long vaccay, get some time to think. Go out there, explore and meet new great people and find that enthusiasm and energy to get my spirit back on track.

I don’t know if it’s okay to classify me as depressed, ‘coz I’m so much sadder than the usual; however, at times like this, I find myself more resilient. I wouldn’t claim that I am happy right now, but I am definately trying…looking for ways and reason to be happy again. Like I said, I’m not quite sure how to get out of this mess and not really sure how to handle all these emotions, therefore, haven’t yet figured out  how to feel better. Hopefully, I’ll figure it out soon. Find reason to smile and open up myself again to opportunities. I know… because we all know that I always do.